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Stanback Perseveres In Efforts Toward Gay Rights (Hartford Courant)
Sunday, November 30, 2008
By: Daniela Altimari
She's not a lawyer or a lawmaker, but few people were more pivotal to the struggle for same-sex marriage in Connecticut than Anne Stanback. She spent the better part of the past decade forging coalitions, lobbying legislators, raising money and doing the grunt work of community organizing.
"The phrase that comes to mind is either relentlessly gracious or graciously relentless," said Lee Swislow, executive director of Gay and Lesbian Advocates & Defenders, or GLAD, the Boston-based group that successfully sued to bring same-sex marriage to the state.
"Anne never stopped. In this incredibly warm and gracious way, she just kept coming at you … engendering a tremendous amount of respect, whether you agreed with her or not."
Stanback, 49, speaks in a honeyed drawl that reveals her North Carolina roots; she hails from Elizabeth Dole's hometown. She came to Connecticut in the mid-1980s to attend Yale Divinity School, fell in love and decided to stay. But instead of becoming ordained, she delved headlong into activism.
Back then, same-sex marriage "wasn't on anyone's radar screen," Stanback recalled. Gays and lesbians didn't have legal protection against discrimination, and a state legislator referred to gays as "lollipops" during a debate on the House floor.
Stanback became immersed in the successful effort to pass a gay rights bill in the early 1990s. She later helped push a bill permitting same-sex couples to adopt a child together.
By the time the legislature held its first informal hearing on same-sex marriage, in 2001, Stanback had knit together a coalition of gay rights groups under the name Love Makes a Family.
The coalition's tactics were controversial at times. In 2005, Love Makes a Family drew flak for its "all or nothing" stance regarding gay marriage: civil unions, it decreed, were a step backward.
But after criticism from gays and lesbians as well as its legislative allies, Love Makes a Family reversed itself and the civil union law was passed that year.
Looking back, Stanback said she knows that what she terms "marriage equality" wouldn't come about overnight. "It is a slow process to get people to that comfort level," she said.
That included lawmakers, many of whom shifted their views on this topic through the years.
"I was a bit hesitant," said Rep. Jack Thompson, D-Manchester. Like many of his colleagues, he thought civil unions were enough. And as a Catholic, he believes marriage is a sacrament.
But through listening to the stories of same-sex couples, Thompson came to the conclusion that they deserve the same rights as anybody else. "I got to know them. ... They live good lives and participate in our society. I don't think they're a threat ... by any means. When it comes to paying their bills and taking care of their children, they're no different than anyone."
To help turn legislative — and public — opinion, Love Makes a Family encouraged gays and lesbians to tell their personal stories. The group also worked to win allies beyond the gay community. "This has been a grass-roots movement at its best," she said. "We were talking about happiness and love and justice and all of these wonderful things."
Not everyone agrees. Peter Wolfgang, who leads the Family Institute of Connecticut, said it was judicial fiat, not grass roots, that brought same-sex marriage to Connecticut.
"Love Make a Family's mission was to make Connecticut the first state to pass same-sex marriage democratically instead of by court order and it failed," Wolfgang said. "Even in its best year, 2005, it had to drop its 'same-sex marriage or nothing' demand and settle for a civil union law that specifically defined marriage as between a man and a woman. ... In the end, it took four judges to undemocratically impose same-sex marriage on Connecticut and that was the work of GLAD, not Love Makes a Family."
Stanback is confident that same-sex marriage would have won legislative approval in 2009. But she doesn't view a court victory as any less rewarding, she said.
A few days after gays and lesbians won the right to marry, Love Makes a Family's Farmington Avenue headquarters in Hartford had the air of a college dorm after graduation.
The walls were covered with posters from rallies past and a few staffers were busy at their desks, but the office was largely quiet. In the reception area, a multi-tiered faux wedding cake covered in real fondant icing sat on a table near the door.
The group's work isn't done, Stanback said. The upcoming legislative session will likely include debate on a bill aimed at protecting transgender people from discrimination.
There are also housekeeping matters relating to the state's civil union law that need addressing. There's the larger issue of the patchwork of legal rights that same-sex couples face across the nation; Love Makes a Family will work to repeal the federal Defense of Marriage Act.
And Stanback has a wedding of her own to plan. After 25 years together, Stanback and her partner, Charlotte Kinlock, will marry sometime next year.
"The thought of planning a wedding feels so much more daunting than planning a campaign for marriage equality," Stanback said.
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